earlier this month i’ve had a pretty big health “scare”.

i went 2 months barely eating, sleeping or taking care of myself in any way really.

after that happened i thought about what if, what if something did happen to me.

i asked myself the question if i really would care

and i realised i wouldn’t, realistically i would not really mind if i passed away.

maybe some other people would, i could think of at least 1 person that’d care.

now of course this is easy to say when i wake up every morning in a relatively healthy shape, but again; the thought doesn’t really bother me.

then of course i asked myself why that’s the case, and that’s something i thought about extensively.

i came to the basic conclusion that my entire life revolves around the fact i can write some text that makes a computer function in a certain way.

something i’ve done with a lot of pride because it was the only thing i could clamp myself on.

something i’ve made a point to stop making my personality. and after i’ve stripped that away all i was left with was the same insecure boy i’ve been my entire life

nobody is as important as they think they are. i thought i was such a tough guy because i knew how to write some text. it’s all make believe

the fact my dad isn’t here anymore has also been killing me. especially now i am going through this mental slump again, but now without his advice.

i don’t know why i’m doing this to myself, i have to be insane in some way.

everywhere you go you are trying to be manipulated into spending money.

the consumption is endless.

the facade i’ve been putting on the past 5 years is starting to fade away.

i don’t know how to continue from here.

did i forget what i fought so hard for?

or was it something i made myself believe in?

is this what i want?

i don’t know if i’ll ever know.

i also never imagined myself getting very old.

not with the way i think.

should’ve, could’ve, would’ve