it’s strange how something you used to love can start to feel like a weight.
i used to get excited to sit down and build something.
now i open my editor and feel nothing.

i keep doing it out of habit.
out of routine.
it’s what i do.
but that feeling i used to have, the spark, the curiosity, it’s gone.

i don’t think it disappeared overnight.
it faded slowly.
every bug, every new feature, every never-ending improvement cycle.
it all just piled up until it became too much.

there’s always something that could be better.
some optimization, some rewrite, some idea just out of reach.
it never ends.
and at some point, you stop chasing because the chase itself becomes the problem.

i used to build things because it made me feel alive.
now it just makes me feel tired.
like i’m running on autopilot, trying to recreate a version of myself that doesn’t exist anymore.

i’ve been telling myself it’s just a phase.
that it’ll come back.
but maybe it won’t.
maybe it’s okay if it doesn’t.

maybe the things we love aren’t meant to stay the same forever.
maybe they just change with us.
and sometimes that change feels like loss.

what makes it worse is knowing what i’m capable of.
knowing my own potential and still falling short of it.
it’s like watching yourself through glass, seeing everything you could be,
but not being able to reach it.
the distance between who i am and who i could be is exhausting.

the grind used to mean something.
now it just feels like noise.
a constant hum of doing, producing, improving, for what.
i’ve started to notice all the things i’ve ignored for years.
quiet mornings. slow walks. people i love.
all the small things that actually make life feel like life.

i’m living the life i dreamt of as a kid.
the freedom, the work, the independence, it’s all here.
and somehow it’s slowly turning into a nightmare.
not because it’s bad,
but because it never stops.
because i can’t seem to feel the joy i thought would come with it.

and that’s the hardest part.
getting everything you wanted,
and realizing it’s not enough anymore.

maybe it’s time to step away from the screen.
and into the world.
to find meaning somewhere that isn’t built on endless improvement.

no one will ever know what the right choice was in the end.
but i’m not doing this for the sake of it.
i just want to do what feels right in the moment.
whatever that ends up meaning.

it feels like watering a garden, but the flowers never bloom.