there’s this concept in Japanese i’ve been thinking about a lot. it’s “生き甲斐” (Ikigai)

it means ‘a reason for being’

here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia:

Ikigai (生き甲斐, lit. ‘a reason for being’) is a Japanese concept referring to something that gives a person a sense of purpose, a reason for living.

we all need something to wake up for in the morning, something that keeps us going.

i’ve really been throwing myself hard at programming the last couple months, i’ve been genuinely enjoying building new things, and i feel like i’m reaching new heights. 18 year old me would be proud.

but i’m still me, and i still question myself, and i still can’t allow myself to even feel remotely proud of anything i do.

now, don’t get me wrong, i’m not asking for any sympathy whatsoever, i do not care, nor will i ever need anyone to feel any sort of way for me; i am extremely capable of doing that for myself.

but it is an interesting thought, and it got me thinking where this need to always get better comes from.

i feel like i am constantly walking a thin line between insanity and greatness.

where does the line end?

where does the path go?

i don’t want to deviate from the path i’m currently walking. usually you’ll find your destiny in the places you went to avoid it.

but will this constant pressure that i put on myself be lifted?

what will i have to build to finally be at peace with myself?

i am curious what my magnum opus will be, if i will have one

or am i flying too close to the sun, and am i trying to look too much through the threads, and see what’s beyond all of this. to see what’s on the other side.

maybe i’ll burn out before that, maybe i’ll be another what if.

but i know my purpose is out there, somewhere in the ether.

and it’s on me to find it before i burn out.

What’s reality? I don’t know. When my bird was looking at my computer monitor I thought, ‘That bird has no idea what he’s looking at.’ And yet what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he can’t really panic, he just does the best he can. Is he able to live in a world where he’s so ignorant? Well, he doesn’t really have a choice. The bird is okay even though he doesn’t understand the world. You’re that bird looking at the monitor, and you’re thinking to yourself, ‘I can figure this out.’ Maybe you have some bird ideas. Maybe that’s the best you can do.

i don’t want to exist, i want to live.